January 2011
10 posts
3 tags
food and feelings
sometime pre-getting hammered last night, i got to thinking about my relationship with food. it’s kind of fucked.
when i’m “good”, i get such a sense of pride. but if i have to pass on something in order to do so, i feel like i’m depriving myself.
and when i want a reward, i turn to food. it’s a thing our family did, so that’s pretty deeply set. but i...
4 tags
beating the beast
i purged again. i overate last night and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed, but somehow i ended up over the toilet again. but afterwards, i decided something.
this is what i have to conquer in life. everyone has something: trauma, fear, anger. as dexter would say, we all have our dark passengers.
so mine is the voice that tells me that i’m ugly if i’m not skinny. that no one...
5 tags
soberity
i usually try to do something called healthy february. but last year i ended up quitting and trying to do healthy march. then it became healthy april.
so this year i’m committed. not only am i doing healthy february, but i’m doing sober february too. no more drinking an entire liter of cranberry juice with eight shots of vodka. no more non-diet cola with amaretto. no more 2am runs to...
3 tags
my day in terms of food
so i was relatively good today. i can’t exercise because of physical therapy. i’m getting deep tissue massages.
you know how massages are supposed to feel good? deep tissues massages make you realize everything that’s wrong with you. and the ice blankets? it was 8 degrees in NYC today, fuck off. but this just gets me one step closer to being healthy and active.
here’s...
5 tags
i'm still alive!
i haven’t abandoned this yet, i swear!
i got back to school on monday and i’ll be blunt: i’ve been partying. working 930-530 then seeing my friends.
i promised myself i’d drink less and smoke less weed.
last night involved gin, a liter of cranberry juice, chinese, two or three poptarts. did i mention it involved a shit ton of gin? it’s kind of my weakness.
tonight...
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3 tags
on purging.
my dad decided to take us out to five guys and friendly’s tonight. tonight’s the last night when this is going to happen.
i guess the one thing going is that i managed not to purge.
the thing about it is that the purging isn’t/wasn’t voluntary.
NYE i was sick and threw up. stomach flu or something.
but i felt so good afterward, like i had purified myself.
i kept...
4 tags
3 tags
Damn you, tortilla chips!
So we picked my brother up last night. It was my Dad’s last night on the cabbage soup diet, also known as “starving yourself with food.” So of course we had to stop at his favorite Mexican place. I had decided to give myself dinner off after three weeks and 6 pounds of controlled eating. Three baskets of chips later (between the whole family), I came to regret this decision.
My...
5 tags
So it begins!
Here’s where I stand:
5’ 3”
157 lbs
20
I’m on week 4 of the couch to 5k plan.
Here where I want to be:
115 lbs.
Size 4.
Strong.
Here’s my deal:
I have arthritis.
And PCOS.
And tendinitis in my legs.
I’m also an insomniac.
I live in the food capital of the world, New York City.
More?
I’ve let the above hold me back for way too long....